Making the Most of the Moments Between the Moments

Jan 1

January 2021

Statistics are pending on how COVID school closures and work-from-home orders have impacted the amount of time parents and children are spending with one another, though one would expect that time has risen significantly over the last ten months. Theoretically, we have so much more time together, but what is that really translating into? My friend’s holiday card said, “we feel like we have had too much togetherness and yet not enough quality together time.” So many families, mine included, have echoed those same sentiments over the past ten months.

Parenting two young children and juggling work in a pandemic has been difficult. I had some initial energy around stay-at home-orders and, like many parents, I got creative with the ways I spent my extra time with my children. Sensory play, virtual story time, game nights, and fun new rituals. We saw a new bug on a walk, let’s go home and read all about it. Not done there, let’s see how many we can find on our walk tomorrow. It’s trash day—magic! Setting aside all my feelings about the pandemic and economic repercussions, I actually enjoyed the way it felt like time stood still, so we could just connect. We found a new way of being with one another in those initial weeks and months.

However, that stillness did not last. The business of work and educating children in a pandemic returned with full force. And even though we still have more time together, I wonder about the quality. This led me down a path to consider—what does quality mean? And if we are only aiming for this one “quality” experience, perhaps we are missing moments of great importance.

Throwing Out Standards For Quality & Looking for Moments of Meeting

I think as parents we should start by throwing out the gold standard of “quality” time. For me it’s fueled by my perfectionistic tendencies to make everything feel special, magical and just right. I am trying to create what Daniel Stern (1998) called a “now moment,” a shakeup in the relationship that causes myself and my family to come together in a different way. Sure, vacations can do that. So can stay-at-home orders. So can so many other smaller things we might often miss.

Stern’s (1998) “now moments,” if acted on, lead to something he described as a “moment of meeting.” Things get shaken up in those “now moments” and in the subsequent “moment of meeting.” Each person contributes something different, something authentic, to the interaction. As a result, you experience a new way of being with one another. These moments happen in parent-child relationships all the time. Here are a few examples:

Baby’s First Giggle

After an exhausting first five weeks with my daughter, I knew she was about ready to give her first smile. My sister happened to be visiting at the time, so we spent every diaper change and playtime making silly noises and faces wondering who could coax the first smile. I made a few motorboat noises during diaper change and there it was. So I made a few more noises and she giggled. We laughed together for the first of many times.

Ouch!

Out of nowhere, my then-18-month-old bit me, sinking his teeth into a tiny piece of tender skin on the back of my arm. I said “ouch” a little too loudly and forcefully and he burst into tears. He kept saying “hurt mommy” as I hugged him. In that moment we learned he could actually give me some pretty big, hurt feelings, but hopefully we also reinforced that despite those feelings I would still be available to help him calm down.

Mom Is Fun Too!

When my daughter experienced my husband’s first deployment, of course there was a great sense of loss for her as a 3-year-old. Perhaps what she missed most was my husband’s loud, active way of playing with her. About two weeks into the deployment, she was looking particularly sad, so I offered her a game they played together—your typical chase, hug, and tickle type of thing—she beamed. In the midst of our game, she shouted “Mom, you’re fun too!”

What I love about Stern’s concept of “now moments” is that they can happen anywhere, we just have to be present to act on them. No beach, amusement park, or lockdown order required. As a self-described time-poor parent, I am reassured that these interactions do not necessarily come hidden in large swaths of time or elaborate activities. They can be found in the most average everyday moments, the moments between the moments, and have the capacity to change the trajectory of the relationships we have with our children. We just have to notice them and act on them—it is as simple as that.

If relationships with our children are not necessarily defined by the vacations or activities, but rather they are shaped in our “moments of meeting,” then we can set aside the idea that there really is a best or most quality way to be together. Letting go of this idealization of specific time spent together can shift us towards the notion that all the extra time spent with our children has value, because it offers opportunities. Opportunities to connect with each other in more authentic and meaningful ways, opportunities to know ourselves and our children a little more deeply, opportunities to share joy, and opportunities to surprise one another.

Perhaps knowing all this, we can stop devaluing what we have to offer our littles day-to-day, stop dreaming about some better future time we can have together, and start noticing the magic that is happening right in front of us.